So many of us find it so hard to ask that question. It can be hard to ask for help and even harder to get it. We struggle with feeling needy and don’t want people to see us as incompetent or dependent on others. So we don’t ask for help, and we don’t get it. Then, we become resentful and frustrated. Even worse, without the help we need, we’re more likely to be incompetent and dependent on others! We get exactly what we’re afraid of.
But decades of teaching witnesses to talk to juries has given me insight into what works when asking for what you want-including help. Here are three keys you can use when asking for help and getting it.
Focus on the person you’re asking.
When we’re asking for help, we’re very focused on ourselves. We’re thinking of our needs, wants, and often our desperation. But the person we’re asking doesn’t care so much about that. They’re more focused on THEIR wants, needs, and desperation. If we can focus on them, we can get the help we need.
The best way to do this is to find something you share with the person you’re asking. You likely have a shared goal, experience, enemy, or experience. Speak to that as you make the ask.
They're more likely to care when there’s something you share.
There’s research that shows we feel more empathy for people who are like us. This can lead to implicit bias, a big concern, especially in medicine. For better or worse, it’s part of how our brains work. But we all share something, and when we find it, we can call it to ask for help. Tap into shared wants.
For example, I recently coached a woman working on a huge project. Her boss ran the team hard, and he wasn’t well-liked. The team had a shared goal–getting the project done. They had a shared enemy-the boss. When my client needed help with her part of the project, she didn’t talk about her late nights, missed family events, or her exhaustion. She spoke to her team about how helping her would help them finish the project sooner. Suddenly, she had more help than she could have imagined.
See your ask from the perspective of the person you’re asking and you’ll be much more likely to get the help you need.
Show that you’re trying
Have you ever had a child ask you to help them clean their room, but they haven’t even started trying to clean their room? You know they’re really asking you to do it yourself.
Don’t be that child.
Before you ask for help, be ready to show that you’ve put the work in yourself. When I was a partner in my firm, I loved when associates asked for help-after they’d done some work. If I’d asked them to draft an argument and they got started but wanted help fleshing it out, I’d take the time and effort to help them. But if they came to me with a blank screen and a blank stare, I was far less likely to want to help them.
When you’ve begun, they help get it done.
But if you haven’t begun and you’re already asking for help, you risk losing credibility and making the person you’re asking far less likely to want to help.
If Struggling On How To Ask For Help Then Try Asking with Delight!
If you’ve worked with me or followed me for a while, you know my most frequent mantra is “Ask for what you want (here, help) out loud and with delight.”
Too many people ask for help with embarrassment, resentment, frustration, or fear. And the emotion you’re feeling when you ask comes out in your voice. Research shows that you can tell more about a person’s emotion from their tone of voice than their body language and facial expressions combined.
People who sense you’re embarrassed will likely feel embarrassed for you. They will mirror your resentment or frustration when they hear your resentment or frustration. Human beings are social creatures, and we mirror each other’s emotions. If you ask for help with delight, the other person will likely give you help-with delight!
How do you get to that feeling of delight? By going back to the first two keys. When you know the help you’re asking for will serve the other person, it’s delightful. And when you know you’ve put in a strong effort and made a dent in the thing you need help with, you feel delighted. Then you can ask for help, out loud and with delight, and get it.
With these three keys, “Will you help me?” can go from being a question you dread asking to one you know will get you all the help you need.
If you want help with this, I offer keynotes and training for you and your team to learn the new tools of influence. I also have a concierge coaching practice and the Belief Builders’ Academy. Here’s a link to schedule an appointment with me to determine the best fit for you.
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